


Memory Lane

by torigates



Category: Bones (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-11
Updated: 2013-11-11
Packaged: 2018-01-01 03:46:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1039977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torigates/pseuds/torigates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Booth carried around a lot of guilt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memory Lane

  
Booth carried around a lot of guilt. Guilt for things he had done as a sniper, as a soldier, as a cop. He figured the guilt helped to keep him honest, helped to keep him striving to do better. To _be_ better.

He had a lot of guilt in his personal life too. With Rebecca, with Parker, and not being able to be the kind of father he wanted, not being able to spend as much time with his son as he would like. With Bones. With Jared. He had always done his best to make things okay for Jared. To make them safe.

Booth couldn’t remember the first time his father hit him. He could, however, remember the first time his father had hit Jared. Seeley was thirteen years old, and he had come home from school late. He had stayed to talk to Amy Sanford, and he came home to find Jared with a black eye.

“What happened?” he asked.

Jared just looked at him with a raised chin, and didn’t say anything. It wasn’t the first time he had ever wanted to beat his father, to really hurt him, but it was the first time he could remember going to confront him with the intention of doing so.

“What did you do to Jared, pop?” he asked, storming into his father’s room. The curtains were pulled down. It was dark and smelled like alcohol.

His father grunted from the bed, but didn’t get up. Part of Seeley had been relieved. Had his father not been passed out drunk, he would have inevitably gotten a beating as well. Part of him thought about how easy it would be to just kill his father then and there. Solve all their problems, make everything okay for Jared. Make it safe for him.

But he just couldn’t do it. He stood over their father’s bed holding a pillow for ten minutes before walking out of the room. Jared looked up at him from the kitchen table, where he was doing his homework when Seeley came in and began to prepare them dinner. Jared looked at him and didn’t say anything, and Seeley couldn’t help but feel like a failure.

 

 

 

++

 

 

 

Later:

When Hank took them both out of their father’s house, Booth remembered feeling like he failed again. He felt that he should have been able to protect Jared. To protect himself and keep them both safe.

Hank took them away and gave them a good home and protected them from the world for a little while, and Booth will be forever grateful to his grandfather for that.

Part of him, a small part, will always feel like a failure.

 

 

 

++

 

 

 

Much later:

Booth could spot the warning signs from miles away. Literally miles away, he was overseas, talking to his brother on a sat phone the first time he thought, _Jared is drinking too much_.

“How’re things?” Booth asked.

He could hear Jared’s smile across continents. “Things are great, bro.” Booth ignored it. He ignored the sinking in his gut and the other warnings that said, _this is just like dad_. He told himself that Jared was in college and that was what college kids did, and what did Booth know about it anyway, he was just a soldier and not a psychologist.

The warnings got worse, and Booth told himself that it was okay because Jared wasn’t dad, and that was just another thing he had to carry around with his guilt.

 

 

 

++

 

 

 

Later still:

_“I don't know your old man, your father, but... I think you're made of very, very good stuff.”_

Booth remembered those words when she told him he was going to be a father. He was going to be a father again. He thought about Jared, and all the ways he had let his brother down. By not protecting him from their father, and then later by not protecting him from his own bad habits. He thought about all the times he had to miss seeing Parker because of work, or because Rebecca had taken him out of town, or because of a million other different reasons.

He smiled, Brennan smiled back, and he stepped forward and pulled her into his arms. She hugged him back, and they stood like that for a long moment on the sidewalk, just holding each other. When Booth finally stepped back, he was still grinning. So was Brennan.

 

 

 

++

 

 

 

Now:

Booth had guilt. He had guilt for things he had done, but he had guilt for things he hadn’t done as well.

Booth sat on the couch in Brennan’s office, just watching her put together a lecture. She had rolled her eyes when he arrived, not even bothering to bring an excuse as to why he was there. He just wanted to spend time with her. He thought she probably felt the same.

“I’m going to call Jared,” he said. “Tell him.”

Brennan looked over but didn’t say anything.

“Is that okay?”

She smiled and nodded. “Of course. He’s your brother. He should know.”

Booth nodded, and settled back on the couch. He was nervous about calling Jared. They had been on better speaking terms lately, but things were still tense between them. They had been strained between them for a long time, and Booth didn’t know how to fix it. He thought maybe that was the point, sometimes. He couldn’t fix Jared, and he shouldn’t try.

Despite all that, Jared had come a long way. Booth thought his brother would be okay. His son was turning into one of the smartest and funniest people he knew, and he was going to have another child. Another chance to make things right with Brennan, and he thought she might be ready to let him. He had friends he could count on and who counted on him, he had a real family. It was more than he deserved.

The guilt would always be there, he thought. He was just getting better at making up for it. 


End file.
